Monday, August 01, 2016

Losing My Why

So I recently discovered that I am struggling with interest in any of my activities.

There is just no motivation.  No drive.  I find myself retreating inward from doing anything, really wanting to do nothing more than escape into reading and watching The Twilight Zone.

This bothers me.  This is not like me.

Part of it, I suspect, is simply due to the ending of one job and the beginning of another.  It is all the hubbub of moving and relocating one's existence without actually doing it (in this case).  Perhaps too, there is an element of finally releasing the remaining sense of duty I have been trying to maintain for at least a year, forcing myself (at some level) to care about someplace which, on the whole, was a very difficult place to be (I have been warned by others that have left that there is a detoxification process that will take place, sometimes taking weeks).

But no enthusiasm, no interest in doing anything, is not really like me.  So what is up?

Which leads to the fundamental question:  Why?

Why do I do the things that I do?  No, really, why?  Do I do them because I have to? Do I do them because I think that they are going to do something for me and when they do not, I move on?  Do I do them because someone else wants me to do them?


I am going to try an exercise that I found online over the course of the next few weeks or so - makes perfect sense really, as the next month or so is going to be a true period of transition (without the moving - have I mentioned how grateful I am for that?).

For each activity, answer the following questions:

1) Write down things you really love to do.
2) Why do you love it?
3) Why is it important to have in your life?

4) What is its important to me and why does this fit into my life?

With the caveat, of course, that I take action on the decisions I find.  If it fits, it stays.  If it does not, away it goes.

I do not know that this will totally resolve the issue.  But perhaps it can at least help me to rediscover the fire of why I do things - and focus on those.


Rev. Paul said...

I doubt this will help (other than to let you know you're not alone), but I've discovered that most of the things I was passionate about, up until a few years, now produce a shrug. I don't know why, and it bothers me a bit. I keep thinking, "I should be more enthusiastic about this or that," but ... not.

PioneerPreppy said...

I go through periods like that. I find just reading and watching movies really recharges me and before too long I am back on track...

Naps help alot too :)

kymber said...

TB - i really enjoyed all of your vacation pics...just wanted to let you know that.

but on to the current situation you find yourself example from mine and jambaloney's life. we moved here, we jumped into the communities with both feet, we did everything that was asked of us and more, we put important things off for community things ( my teeth as an example)...and we were always left feeling frustrated and tired. well guess what buddy? this year - we went to community events that interested us, did not stay to help and clean up as we have no say in how things are run, and we feel so much the better for it. we went to a function on friday night which was a complete waste of time. saturday night there was a dance...and guess what? we said to each other - it's gonna be packed (it was a reunion with people coming from all over canada), no one is gonna notice if we are there until the dance ends and we aren't there to do the cleanup like we normally do - so we said screw it. we watched tv, had a good night's sleep and painted all of our kitchen cabinet doors today - something we've been wanting to do forever but just never found the time. and if we had have gone to the dance on saturday, we would have been too tired and worn out to remove all of the doors on sunday and paint them today. needless to say, they are all painted, today we re-installed them all, put away all of the stuff in them...and now we are relaxing. and we feel fantastic looking at our beautiful cabinets - time very-well spent!

all of this to say - we've learned the hard way. figure out what really means something to you. we went to the river today. we felt cleansed. don't let obligations that you make up in your own head rule your life. we felt so obligated to so many things that ate up our time and energy and then realized that they weren't important.

take the time to figure out what really makes an impact on your life in a good way, and ditch the things you do because you feel obligated.

i hope this helps in some way and i hope it makes sense. we've realized that we only have the rest of our lives to do everything that will fill us with happiness, joy, love and laughter. obligation and regret is for yesterday. today and all of the tomorrows are our responsibility to fill with joy.

sending much love, as always! your friend,

Toirdhealbheach Beucail said...

So it does help, Reverend. I wish I know what was causing it. I do not feel like I have changed that significantly, but perhaps I have.

Toirdhealbheach Beucail said...

That is comforting - and perhaps not surprisingly, afternoon naps (on days off anyway) have been on the agenda. I am hoping that this, too, shall pass.

Toirdhealbheach Beucail said...

Thank you Kymber. It is a good point that (I think) you are making, meeting the obligations we put on ourselves. Certainly I have a tendency to obligate myself and to then feel bad when I do not help contribute.

I think what you are suggesting is a version of what I was thinking of doing, to try to figure out what really matters in my life and makes a difference and do that. Honestly, the place I think I am going to struggle the most is the giving up of things. Somehow, it always feels like I am giving up.

Thank you so much for the commentary and the suggestions! Much Love! - TB

kymber said...

TB - i think that with all of the upcoming changes in your life, you will very quickly figure out what needs to stay and what needs to go. do not feel bad about letting go of obligations that are just that - obligations. do what you love. and just understand that we are not static beings - we constantly change...if we don't, we stagnate. and you are not a stagnating person! and based on everything i know about you - you grow in leaps and bounds when you change things about yourself.

always sending love...and hopefully some encouragement. your friend,

Toirdhealbheach Beucail said...

I think so too Kymber. In some cases I have to be pen to the fact that not only do I need to let go of things I am doing but I also need to perhaps pick up things I used to do. Two simple examples: for some reason, I no longer have a burning urge to do Highland Athletics. Do not really know why and I probably will do some this year, just not the drive to do as many. Contrariwise, I am thinking I need to pick the harp back up after many years.

Encouragement accepted and appreciated, dear Kymber!

- TB

kymber said...

oh i soooooo encourage the "picking back up of the harp". and record some of it. and send me an audio file in an email. hearing a harp puts people into must be a deep, deep trance to actually play it. xoxo

Toirdhealbheach Beucail said...

I am not technologically advance Kymber, but I will try.

Playing the harp is one of the few activities I have found in which I can completely lose my sense of time - to your sense, a trance, although I never thought of it that way before. That is sort of what I imagine Heaven as being like, so lost in the presence of God and what He has for us to do that we simply do not feel as if any time has passed at all.