This Saturday I tried an exercise I cannot remember ever trying: I completely stayed in.
No trips anywhere. No talking to anyone. Except for a quick check on Facebook to see where everyone was, no current events. No shopping. No spending money. Just me alone in the house.
The silence was very revealing.
Oh, I did things. Cleaned the house. Mowed the lawn. Changed the quail. Completed harvesting my garlic. Read. Watched some low budget movies. Practiced Iai.
And was taken by the huge silence in my soul.
Here it is, the perfect opportunity, the one so many people dream about. A day completely available to do whatever you want. Anything. No requirements on what to do or having responsibilities to complete. Just time available for the filling.
And yet, nothing seemed to satisfy.
This got me to think as I was into the evening. Activity after activity was engaged in and then stopped, trailing off into "I am bored". It was if I was trying to fill a hole that could not be filled by anything that I had available.
What hole? A good question, as I was not aware of its existence. But as I thought about it, it suddenly made sense. This sort of activity is not unknown for me and often represents my modus operandi: get involved in an activity, follow it for a while, and then stop. As if I had total lost interest - or as if I was trying to fill something up and, realizing that such an activity would not work, moving to the next one.
I do not know that I have a name for this hole. I have ideas, but no names.
But now I have something to think on. After all, it is not often that a heretofore unknown gap exists in one's life, one that is suddenly revealed to hold so many other things in its orbit.