Last night I was inexplicably sad when I got home.
I do not know that I have a formal reason why. Yes, the day was not the best it could have been and yes, I little sarcasm (meant in fun, no doubt) was directed my way later, but it certainly did not explain the fact for the feelings I had.
I am not sure. There was just no energy at all for doing anything when I got home at night except for the bare minimum of what was required. And underlying it all, a great sadness. Not depression - depression, I know all too well. Just sadness.
And I do not know what to do with sadness. Not really. Depression I know what steps to take, as I have had to take them many times. But sadness I have no idea what to do with.
I just want to hide - shut myself off from the greater Internet and interpersonal world and just hide among my rabbits and books, my iai and the very small kingdom of Ichiryo Gusoku. Cut off communication. Just go silent and emerge for interaction when I have to.
It is silly, of course, and I eventually will find my way through it. But I am struck by the fact that something can still affect me deeply, an emotion which I have no meaningful way to combat. It makes me fearful and hopeful at the same time - fearful that it will come again, hopeful that there remain emotions that I still have the privilege of working through.