It has been almost a week of vacation now - a week of being essentially free of work and home and the ordinary routine of my daily life. This had not struck me until this morning, as I went for my now usual Lower Meadow walk to the southwest of the House towards the edge of my parents' property.
Walking through the low grass and wildflowers I noticed that honeybees are hitting up the little blooms that cling to the ground for the last bit of run-off moisture. This warms my heart even as it saddens it: on the one hand I am excited that someone here is keeping bees; on the other it saddens me as the bees that are reaping the pollen and nectar harvest are not my own. Still the overall sense I have is happiness: bees can make it here. Maybe they will for me one day again.
The blackberries at the end of the pasture that mark the dividing line have grown taller even as they do not appear to have pushed out any farther in the Meadow. I check: no ripe blackberries yet. We have missed the season by about a month. Darn - there is nothing quite like blackberries plucked fresh and popped into your mouth.
As I walk back in the direction of the house the thought strikes me from above: I am a week out of my ordinary life. Not only the cares and pressures of work - which look minutely small when one steps away from them - but the ordinary situation of my daily life. My very mannerism and ways of carrying about my day have not been activated in over a week. The way "I am" has simply not been evident.
Or how I have come to allow myself to be.
If you have followed my blog long enough, you will know that buried beneath the life that I seem to life is the life that I really want to live, the life of doing great things and accomplishing things of worth. What I find at this moment is that this man - the one walking up the Lower Meadow with me - may be the individual that can do it.
Of course the question is always "How do I make it work?" How do I take this individual and put him back into the actual situation of his life and still find this inner sense of calmness, of drive, that needs to be there to make things happen.
The secret, I think, is to not go back the way I came out.
Looking at now and given the time frame I have established, I now have a window. I simply need to list - and execute - on those things that need to move me towards that ultimate window.
Practically this means changing a number of things in my life - not so much what I do as much as how I act and carry myself. Of looking at things in a different light. Of being who I need to be to do what I need to do, not who I need to be merely to endure.
Somewhere on the walk down and up the Lower Meadow I appeared and disappeared at the same time. Now, I need to follow up on the man that walked up the hill with me.
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